this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
