I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
