just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm like, not good at living.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
