Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
