If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
