can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
