9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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