your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
