Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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