I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It's blow job season.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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