i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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