He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
