Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
