i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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