Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize