Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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