to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
