Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
