I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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