i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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