Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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