We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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