he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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