How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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