you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
