I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize