I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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