Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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