guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
