I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize