Can i not drive my cunt home
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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