Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
