Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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