we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
