dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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