I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
