I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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