So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
