I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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