My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
