Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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