Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
