Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Randomize
