and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
