My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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