I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
