can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
