K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
