I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Randomize
