so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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