Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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