I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
