i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
